I practice Metacognitive therapy to help my clients overcome mental difficulties such as anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and stress. In our sessions, I consistently encounter the primary hurdle to overcoming mental illness: the desire to eliminate negative emotions.
Did you know that experiencing anxiety and stress can propel us to perform at a high level? Or that sadness enables us to appreciate what’s truly important in life, while anger pushes us forward in a positive direction?
By nature, humans are designed to derive benefits from their emotions, particularly the negative ones.
So, when we notice tension, nervousness, or a sense of dread, which are sensations of anxiety, they assist us in staying safe. They also help us perform to the best of our ability professionally or interpersonally.
Similarly, when we experience sensations of sadness, such as tightness in the chest, stinging in the throat, and heavy limbs, these serve as reminders of our personal values, purpose, and passions.
Moreover, the sensations of tension, shaking, trembling, and the feeling of heat and tightness in the chest that accompany anger energize us to find solutions to challenges and pursue our goals.
From an evolutionary perspective, emotions keep us safe, ensure our survival, and provide resources to operate toward desired goals
So why do we persist in trying to get rid of negative emotions every time we experience them?
What is it about anger, anxiety, nervousness, sadness, jealousy, and shame that makes it difficult for us to endure?
Most of my clients come to therapy because they dislike experiencing negative emotions. They express a strong desire to eliminate these emotions and often provide an extensive list of strategies they’ve attempted in the past, including meditating, thinking positively, distracting themselves, seeking therapy, and even taking medication.
However, telling them about the positive benefits of emotions doesn’t always help them stop the fight against negative emotions. For instance, explaining that feeling stressed can strengthen the heart and lead to a longer life, or that anxiety enhances performance at work and in relationships, and that sadness aids in rest and recovery, doesn’t necessarily alter their perspective.
Certainly, difficult emotions feel unpleasant, and it’s entirely understandable that we want to get rid of them. But is that the only reason why we don’t want to tolerate them? Could there be another reason behind the struggle aside from not wanting to feel bad?
Metacognitive therapy, which specializes in changing our relationship with emotions, can explain why many people struggle to accept negative emotions.
Here are the most common reasons we want to get rid of negative emotions:
1) We don’t think we can stop worrying about negative emotions
“I just can’t shake off this constant worry about what people think of me. It feels like no matter how hard I try, as long as I feel this anxious, it feels impossible to stop.”
Imagine someone constantly worrying about a presentation they have to give at work. Despite preparation, the fear of judgment and failure persists, making it challenging to stop worrying about the negative emotions associated with it. Usually, the idea is, I can only stop worrying once this feeling is gone.
2) We believe that our thoughts are more valid if accompanied by strong emotions
“I’m convinced that if I have thoughts about something bad happening, especially accidents or harm, the intensity of my fear or anxiety somehow makes them more likely to come true. It’s like my emotions validate and magnify the potential for negative outcomes.”
Imagine someone who, when thinking about taking a trip, becomes overwhelmed with thoughts of accidents or harm occurring during the journey. They might feel that the emotional intensity of these thoughts somehow increases the likelihood of those negative events occurring. This belief is prominent in people who suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder, OCD.
3) We don’t believe we can function if we have negative emotions
“Whenever I feel anxious, I’m convinced that I won’t be able to focus at work, and everything will fall apart. It’s like I can’t function with these negative emotions.”
Someone feeling anxiety about an upcoming exam may believe that the fear will impair their ability to concentrate, leading them to doubt their capacity to perform well, while someone feeling depressed procrastinates doing any work until they feel more energized.
4) We think that strong emotions persist
“Once I start feeling really sad, it feels like it’s going to last forever. I can’t see an end to the overwhelming emotions.”
Consider someone experiencing grief after a loss. The belief that the intense sadness will persist indefinitely can contribute to a sense of hopelessness accompanied by thoughts of wanting to end things. Additionally, some fear being abandoned by friends and family if they continue to experience these emotions because they won’t be pleasant to be around.
5) We think that strong emotions are dangerous and can harm us mentally and physically
“Whenever I get too angry, I’m scared I might lose control and do something I’ll regret. It’s like these strong emotions are a danger to my well-being.”
People who suffer from anxiety fear the physical and mental consequences of their intense emotions, such as the impact of stress on their health and how they may go insane from feeling so anxious.
These ideas about emotions are called metacognitive beliefs
Are these ideas about emotions really true? No, they are false beliefs you learned at some point in your life.
The reality is, you can accomplish anything despite how you feel. I have yet to meet someone who couldn’t function due to anxiety, irritability, or sadness. Many people have achieved remarkable things despite experiencing these emotions, whether it’s pursuing health and fitness goals, learning something new, changing their negative interactions in relationships, or altering mental habits, such as reducing constant worry.
But does this then mean you should grit your teeth, push through, and accept living a productive yet miserable life?
No, and here’s why: Once people decide not to fight their negative emotions, they discover a secret: negative emotions don’t last long. Tension, stress, and irritation linger only when you’re actively trying to get rid of them. If you choose to act despite your emotions and move forward with life, positive changes occur, and your feelings improve.
Your brain makes sure to regulate your emotions for you, the same way your body constantly adjusts to maintain its core temperature.
This is the empowering message of Metacognitive therapy: how you feel doesn’t really matter, and you have full control over yourself, your behavior, and how you choose to respond to negative emotions.
If you’ve been persistently attempting to avoid negative emotions and are busy trying to get rid of anxiety, sadness, anger, and insecurity, what has been your experience? Has it worked so far? Has the mental effort been worthwhile?
If your answer is no, perhaps it’s time to stop wasting your time and mental energy on trying to eliminate negative emotions. Because it doesn’t work.
In truth, the harder you try to control your emotions, the less likely it is to work. For example, try making yourself really happy for the next ten minutes. It’s tough, and once you stop trying, the happy feeling usually goes away.
What can you do about negative emotions?
- Do nothing, which is the best strategy you can use whenever you feel distressed, angry, sad, nervous, hopeless, jealous, etc. Doing nothing means that you don’t try to get rid of the emotion or seek solutions to feel better. Instead, try to carry on with your day as if nothing has happened.
- Postpone the analysis of your emotions. When you experience a negative emotion, delay analyzing it and put off all efforts to feel better. You can set aside these activities for later. Instead, proceed with your planned activities, whether it’s socializing, studying, cleaning the house, or working on your business.
Give this approach a try for two weeks and observe how it makes you feel different and better.