By Elif Peksevim, Clinical Psychologist, MSc – Co-Founder of PERLA Psychology and Research
It was a perfect Sunday morning to begin working on my presentation, which I needed to complete and present to my boss in a week. I had already planned out the presentation outline, so all I had to do was start working on the PowerPoint. However, doubts started to creep in:
“What if I couldn’t do it well? What if my boss didn’t approve? What if I couldn’t answer her questions during the presentation? Oh, goodness, it could turn out really bad! What if she dislikes it and tells me I’m not ready for a promotion? I’ve been waiting for this promotion for a year! What if I end up losing my job? Losing my job is not an option. I need to think about it! If I lose my job, I’ll have nothing.”
It was already 2 pm, and I hadn’t made any progress on my presentation.
“What if I can’t send it to my boss on time? Come on, Elif, relax. Don’t worry, you won’t lose your job, and you’ll find a way to send the presentation on time. But what if she doesn’t find it sufficient? I feel like I’m losing my mind! Okay, I need to distract myself. Let’s watch your favorite movie, Elif, relax, and not think about any of this for now. Then you can start fresh! Everything will be alright.”
I tried to focus on the movie, but my mind kept wandering back to the same worries. I hadn’t accomplished anything, and now it was already 4 pm.
“Oh my goodness! If I continue thinking like this, I’ll truly drive myself crazy! I need a drink. The day is over, and I haven’t accomplished anything. This stress is going to kill me! I feel so low and anxious. I just want to sleep and stop thinking. Please, just go away. But what if it doesn’t go away?“
I lived like this for about six months until I learned that the best way to deal with my thoughts is to stop fighting against them. I will explain what this means, but first, let’s understand what exactly I was experiencing.
Why do we worry?
Worry can be referred to as a repetitive style of negative thinking about the future that doesn’t take us anywhere particularly productive. So why do we engage in worrying? According to the metacognitive model, we hold positive beliefs about worrying. We believe that worrying helps us find better solutions, cope effectively, and achieve better outcomes.
Positive beliefs about worrying
Here are some common examples of positive metacognitive beliefs about worrying:
Worrying prepares me for the worst
Worrying helps me find solutions to my problems
Worrying means I care
Worrying motivates me to do things
Worrying helps me to find details
According to the metacognitive model, we also hold negative beliefs about worrying, which leads us to worry about the fact that we are worrying! Here are some examples of negative metacognitive beliefs about worrying (particularly those that I strongly believed):
Negative beliefs about worrying
If I keep worrying, I will lose control
If I keep worrying, it will never stop
If I keep worrying, it will cause physical or mental harm
TIP: Please take a moment to consider your beliefs about worrying, as recognizing them is the first step towards changing them.
If you notice in my example, I spent a significant amount of time engaging with my thoughts because I believed that worrying helped me prepare for my presentation. Without worrying, I felt uncertain about what I would do. Quite interesting, isn’t it?
You probably noticed that when I kept worrying, it made me feel really down and anxious. It felt like I couldn’t control those thoughts no matter what I did. I thought worrying was dangerous and uncontrollable, so I tried different things like drinking or sleeping to make it stop. But guess what? None of those strategies worked. In fact, they made things even worse! Let’s find out why.
Mental and behavioral strategies
Can you see what strategies I used to avoid thinking about my negative thoughts? I tried to suppress them, distract myself, and think positively, but nothing worked. My mind won this battle until I realized that the best way to deal with my thoughts is to stop fighting them.
The strategies are outlined below. These strategies are commonly used by people who don’t think they can control worry:
Thinking positively: Attempting to think positive thoughts and telling myself, “Everything will be okay” and “You can do it.” Thinking positively doesn’t work because it reinforces negative thoughts. It tells the brain that negative thoughts are important since we use effort to think (positively) about them.
Distracting myself: Making a concerted effort to redirect my attention towards something else, such as watching Netflix, in an attempt to stop thinking. Distractions only work as long as we do them. Once the movie was finished, I was back to where I started.
Trying to challenge my thoughts: Saying to myself, “The likelihood of these things happening is very small” and “You’re focusing on the worst-case scenario.” Similar to positive thinking, challenging thoughts reinforce negative thoughts.
Seeking excessive reassurance from others to alleviate my worrying: Calling my sister to ask if I’ll be okay if I’ll finish my task on time, and discussing the things that worry me. Seeking reassurance works only until the next time we experience negative thoughts.
Avoiding situations that trigger my worrying: Delaying the completion of my presentation, temporarily closing my social media pages, and refusing to go on a date. But the more things we avoid, the more time we have for worrying.
Using drugs/alcohol/food. These strategies only work short-term and can have undesirable side effects.
As you can see, we employ various mental and behavioral strategies to alleviate our worrying. However, research shows that these strategies backfire and actually have the opposite effect of suppressing our thoughts. Let’s explore what this means through an experiment:
EXPERIMENT: Try not to think of a pink elephant for the next 2 minutes. Whatever you do, don’t picture a pink elephant in your mind.
I suppose while trying not to think of a pink elephant, you used various mental strategies, but nothing worked, and you ended up thinking about plenty of pink elephants, right? Yes, that’s very normal! Welcome to the club. This is because if you try not to think about something, you’re actually going to think about it more. Trying to forcefully push away negative thoughts won’t stop worrying.
The solution to worry
Through Metacognitive therapy, I learned that our initial ‘’what if’’ thought is not the problem but the real issue lies in how we respond to our negative thoughts.
I’ve also learned that thoughts are just thoughts. By not reacting to them, we can stop worrying altogether.
Nowadays, whenever I have a negative thought (“What if I can’t complete this blog post on time?“) I imagine that my mind is lazy and I don’t respond to the thought with worrying.
TIP: Next time you have a worrying thought, instead of fighting it, try shifting your focus to the present moment instead. The thought doesn’t deserve your attention!
Here I am, working on finishing this blog post, while the thought “What if I can’t complete it on time?” crosses my mind. However, I now realize that I don’t need to engage with this thought. I can simply let it pass through my mind. Why? Because I understand that worrying is not necessary for me to write this blog post. Moreover, I recognize that this thought is automatic, common, and harmless, and I can control what to do with it.
Summary: What you should know about how the brain works
- Negative thoughts are common: We all have negative thoughts because our brains are wired to focus on potential threats. It’s normal to pay more attention to negative thoughts than positive ones.
- Thoughts can’t be controlled but our response to them can: We can’t control what thoughts pop into our minds, but we can choose how we respond to them. We can decide whether to dwell on them or let them pass by without giving them too much attention.
- Don’t fight your thoughts: Trying to push away or ignore thoughts actually makes them stick around longer. It’s better to accept that thoughts will come and go naturally, without trying to force them away.
- Change your beliefs: Pay attention to the beliefs you have about your thoughts. If you believe that worrying is uncontrollable or necessary, it can keep you stuck in a cycle of overthinking. Challenge and change these negative beliefs in therapy.
- Focus your attention on the present moment: Instead of getting caught up in a battle with your thoughts, try to focus on the present moment. Being fully engaged in what you’re doing can help break the cycle of repetitive thinking.
- Thoughts aren’t facts: Remember that thoughts are just thoughts—they don’t always reflect reality. Don’t give too much power to every thought that pops up. Take a step back and adopt a more relaxed and detached attitude toward your thoughts.